Tales of the Parodyverse

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J. Jonah Jerkson
Tue Jan 04, 2005 at 11:34:12 pm EST
Subject
Re: The Automobile Mogul
Originally
Visionary Vehicles!
In Reply To

J. Jonah Jerkson
Mon Jan 03, 2005 at 01:09:11 pm EST
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[Several days after Visionary’s return to Parodiopolis.]

“Aaack!” Visionary exclaimed, causing his hand to shake and spill hot coffee on his donut and his lap.

The waitress hustled over to assist her stricken customer.

“What happened now, Vizh?” she inquired sweetly while mopping up the spilled coffee and providing the possibly-fake man with some extra napkins for his lap.

“This,” he quavered, pointing to the front page of the Parodiopolis Times business section.

“Job hunting’s still not going that well?” inquired Sarah.

“No, I mean yes, I mean . . . look at the story in the lower left corner.”

“’Visionary Vehicles Announces Import Deal?’ $200 million investment? I never thought you were in the automobile business, Vizh.”

“I’m not! I have nothing to do with this!”

“’Off-road vehicles fit for a TransWorlds Challenge,’ they say. ‘For the Visionary driver in all of us.’ And look at the logo: An orange diamond on a green background. Sure looks like you, Vizh. Can you give me a test drive?”

“I don’t have anything to do with this. It’s all wrong.”

“I don’t know, Visionary. The name’s spelled right, and the logo is just like your sweater there. This’ll be great, having an auto mogul in the Lair Legion. Do you think there might be a place for me as your spokesmodel?” Sarah leaned back on the counter, mimicking a fashion model’s pose in front of a car.

“No, dammit, I mean that I’m not involved with these people. I’m not in the car business. I don’t even have a car anymore. And I certainly don’t have $200 million to invest.”

A man in a dark suit approached the two. “Mr. Visionary?”

“Maybe.”

“Elmer Phud, Internal Revenue Service. We have some questions for you regarding Visionary Vehicles and undeclared income on your last tax return. Please come with me.”

Another man in a dark suit hurried up. “Wait, I have to serve him first. Mr. Visionary, you are hereby served with a motion to show cause why you have not declared all of your assets in the case of Zemo v. Visionary. Sign here.”

A third man in a dark suit stepped forward. “Mr. Visionary, I represent the City of Gothammetropolis York, which is attaching all of your equity in Visionary Vehicles in order to pay these 16 unpaid parking tickets, plus damages for the recent destruction of the city. Please sign here.”

A young woman elbowed her way to the front. “Mr. Visionary, I represent the United Community Fund of Parodiopolis, which would be greatly honored if you would consider a large donation to our Rebuild Parodiopolis fund.”

“Mr. Visionary, Sim Salabim, State of Gothametropolis York Department of Revenue. We have just made a jeopardy assessment against you with respect to undeclared income that may have been transferred to Visionary Vehicles, Inc.”

“We’re from the Dullard’s Corner Improvement Association, and we were wondering . . . .”

“Mr. Visionary, I’m Chad Chilblain from the Daily Trombone, and I was wondering if you had any comment on the reason you’re importing cars rather than manufacturing them here in the U.S.A.”

“Where is he?” asked a voice from the outer edges of the crowd.

“Do you all want coffee?” Sarah asked, hoping that there would be some decent tippers among all the minor bureaucrats and others blocking the counter.

Meanwhile, Visionary was cradling his head in his hands, elbows on the counter, ignoring the newly spilled coffee. Those closest to him could hear soft moans, “I’m in my happy place, I’m in my happy place,” while Visionary prayed that he could find some way out of this new mess without involving Lisa.



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